Over the course of the last month I had the privilege to attend SpringHill twice, once with the Junior High and again with the Senior High. Weekends at SpringHill are always so special. Granted I am going as a Youth leader whereas before I went as a student, the event is still very powerful. Spending time the Jr. and Sr. Higher's is a blessing to me. I love being involved in their lives. I have to admit I don't always get other teens; I was not your average high school student or middle school student for that matter. That being said I truly hope that I impact their lives in a significant way, or at least plant a seed. I mean I am not expecting to change lives, only God can do that. I am expecting that I can allow God to work through me. I hope I can allow him to do that. Being so busy has kind of left me exhausted, I am looking forward to Spring Break when I'll have a few days off. I think I am forgetting what that looks like; I am usually so busy that when it comes to not having anything to do I freak out. Literally, the last time it happened I almost walked in circles because I had nothing to do. No homework, no extracurricular activities to prepare for... strange feeling. I am learning to relax though, profound activity, although it is kind of sad that I had to learn, shouldn't that come naturally?
On my Philosophy class; I find that sometimes I have to work to keep my mouth shut. Not easy, I am used to saying almost the first thing that comes to mind. I guess all those books on the tongue needing to be tamed have something to them. I have actually prayed that God would help me with that, as it is kind of difficult to do on my own. I am working on waiting for the Lord's prompting. If it, in fact, comes. I was near the point of holding my tongue a while ago the comments got so bad, at least the ones I desired to say, not the ones I actually said. I have this terrible desire to make the teacher look like a fool. But that won't get anybody anywhere; best to just keep quite.
I have yet to finish my Cornerstone application. I know I am procrastinating, but it is a huge decision. It could change my life. I am struggling with that kind of commitment. No surprise there, I have a major problem with commitment, not a good thing. I have not figure out what I want to say in my essays. It would not seem like it would be a problem for me, some don't think I ever actually shut up (it isn't that I haven't tried, I just find that people think there is something wrong when I am quite(either way I lose there)). Anyways, I wish I knew 100% what I want to do. It is kind of scary going into something and not really knowing if that is it or not. I know I want to work with kids, I really love youth ministry. That is where I am at, I want to help kids, impact them for Christ, but I don't know how I am supposed to do that. I keep telling people I am waiting for the moment of enlightenment, the banner from above, the hand writing on the wall (you get my drift?) But it has not come yet. The closer it comes to having to make a decision the scarier it gets. I don't want to make a mistake and be stuck with a degree that does not serve me at all. I guess this is where I trust God. Although sometimes I wish I could test him, ask him to start a pile of sticks on fire, or make it rain, or something more obvious. I guess I could, but it's not anything but a selfish want for my lack of faith I suppose. I'm not the only one here, so that's comforting, I just wish this whole college thing was easier.
If you're waiting for a sign, you'll wait the rest of your life. Trust that God holds you close to his heart but YOU have to go forth and do what you have to do. God isn't a father who will give us everything when we want/need it. He expects us, like any good parent, to work at things. He knows that we need to work hard in life or we won't amount to anything. So don't wait for a sign, or a dove from above. Push forward, be strong in your decision to be a youth leader! It's an admirable and honorable thing! God is proud that his daughter wants to serve Him like that! So do it! Don't make excuses, don't be lazy, do it! You have a passion for it, I can see that, but what good is passion without pursuit?! You want to go to Cornerstone? Then put in the app and go for it! You can do it D, I have faith in you! :) But you have to want it enough to work for it, otherwise it's a dead dream.
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